Domestic Violence and the Holidays…What Do You Say?

The holidays are upon us and we will be around family and friends that we may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question: "What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:

"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- for example, the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine?

Then say: "Hey that’s great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions. And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or assistance anytime (or just to check things out), call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or check out http://www.thehotline.org.

Or – for those in dating relationships, check out the National Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

(And survivors....any comments or additional suggestions you have are most welcome! You know best what is helpful!)

 

Domestic Violence and the Holidays - What Do You Say?

The holidays are coming and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question: "What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:

"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- for example, the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine?

Then say: "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions. And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or assistance anytime (or just to check things out), call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or check out http://www.thehotline.org. Or for those in dating relationships, check out the National Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

(And survivors....any comments or additional suggestions you have are most welcome! You know best what is helpful!)

A Tale of Two Hospital Rooms

I was really struck by two news stories I saw this morning – and the stark difference between them.

Here’s the first one – “Iowa Couple Married 72 Years Dies Holding Hands, an Hour Apart.” This couple loved and cherished one another all through their lives…and died holding hands in the hospital. I think their story is a beautiful testimony to love and respect throughout a lifetime.

Here is the other story – “Pekin man in custody after double stabbing Tuesday.” In this story, a man allegedly stabbed his estranged wife and their son (in violation of an order of protection)…he is in custody and his estranged wife and son are both in the hospital.

A tale of two hospital rooms.  A tale of two relationships.  Both started somewhere with people who had promised to love and cherish and honor and respect one another. 

One ended with love and respect.

One ended with violence.

What is the difference?  Why does one person determine to treat those he or she loves with respect and kindness throughout life…and why does another person choose to frighten, injure…and perhaps even kill those he or she once pledged to love?

I don’t know.

I mean I know all of the hypotheses – cultural, sociological, psychological…the latest research. I know all of that.

But at the end of the day I am just overwhelmed by the difference in these two pictures of lives of real people. 

And I think that while the life of Gordon and Norma Yeager is rare….it is closer to what I think we all want to see – a life where people feel safe and secure with those who love them.

And I want to see the day that the life of Shane Rhoades’ estranged wife and child is rarer and rarer…

If you ever wonder if your relationship is as safe as it could be, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or take a look at their website at www.thehotline.org.

10 Things You Can Do About Domestic Violence

As we begin October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, people have been asking me "What can I do about domestic violence? Is there something I can do to help?" Here is a short list of ideas. Certainly you can add your ideas or additions at the end:

1)  Join the Love Is Not Abuse Coalition and get involved in a growing, national grassroots movement of parents, teachers and ANYONE who cares about getting dating abuse education into every middle school and high school in the country.  Go to http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/who-we-are  to learn more.

2) Find out more about domestic violence. Go to http://www.clicktoempower.org/ and see the stories of survivors and what made the difference for them.

3) Go to http://whatwedid4love.com and support the National Domestic Violence Hotline by purchasing these pieces by Sueanne Shirzay and other artists.

4) Learn about how domestic violence impacts your workplace by visiting http://www.caepv.org/.

5) Remember the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or http://www.thehotline.org/. You can call to help others or yourself.

6) Donate your old cell phone, batteries, or chargers (any brand) at any Verizon Wireless store or use free mailing label http://aboutus.vzw.com/communityservice/Shipping.html.  Learn more about the HopeLine from Verizon program at http://aboutus.vzw.com/communityservice/hopeLine.html

7) Learn to talk to your kids about healthy relationships by downloading tip booklets from http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/.

8) Try to understand what happens in domestic violence and how it impacts people. Check out http://www.domesticviolenceworkplace.blogspot.com/. And comment!

9) Don't ask "Why would that victim go back?" ask "Why would a person hit or abuse someone they love?"

10) Be safe, healthy and happy in your own relationships. Because you matter. And you deserve it. And you are very, very precious.

Monsters in the Closet

Our CAEPV partners at The Verizon Foundation have created a short video with support from National Domestic Violence Hotline.  This animated video - “MONSTERS” - sheds light on the effects of domestic violence in the home, through the innocent eyes of a child. 

Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence each year.  And as the video notes, girls who witness abuse are more likely to be abused later in life, and boys are twice as likely to abuse their own partners – “because that’s the world they know.”

The Verizon Foundation believes that to end this devastating cycle of violence, we must motivate silent bystanders to take action.  People need to understand that when they look the other way, they condone this deplorable behavior.  They believe that this provocative video will help accomplish this life-saving goal.

Share the MONSTERS video with your network of friends, family, neighbors and colleagues.  It’s a simple action that may have a huge impact.  MONSTERS will launch publicly on September 7^th.

The video can be previewed at: http://t.co/Dn3pCAq

Remember -- if you or someone you know needs help, get free advice 24x7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-779-7233) or http://www.thehotline.org/. You don't have to give your name.

When Does Abuse Start?

I recently had someone ask me if abuse starts the first time a person gets hit.

I appreciated the person asking me that question, and I also thought it might be good to highlight some of the warning signs of abusive relationships. It is also important to point out that relationships can be abusive and a person can never get hit at all. 

So what IS domestic violence?  Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in a relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

This quiz "Am I Being Abused?" is from the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline - which is full of great information and resources.

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

 

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.  You can also visit their website at www.thehotline.org.

And remember - no question is silly or "not worth asking" when it comes to healthy and unhealthy relationships....if you wonder, please ask someone you trust. 

Glamour Launches "Tell Somebody" Relationship Violence Awareness Campaign In Honor of Yeardley Love

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of UVA student Yeardley Love. (Note our blogpost about Yeardley Love's death and what to say to someone you care about here.)

To honor the one-year anniversary of her death, Glamour is encouraging women to talk about relationship violence—both to ask for help and to offer it without judgment. Glamour's Tell Somebody campaignis aimed at raising awareness about the secret that kills four women a day in the United States—relationship abuse. Over the course of an average year in twenty-first-century America, more than 1,400 women will be murdered by someone they've loved. Glamour asks: Why are women more likely to be killed by their boyfriends now than they were 35 years ago? And what can we do to reverse the trend?

In an exclusive Glamour/Harris Interactive representative, online survey* of 2,542 women ages 18 to 35—single, living with a partner and married—a full 29 percent said they'd been in an abusive relationship. Another 30 percent said they'd never been abused but then went on to acknowledge that, at some point, a partner had viciously hurt them: from verbal degradation to being strangled or threatened with a knife. View the top findings from the survey at http://glmr.me/jKUWxq.

The Tell Somebody campaign kicks off in Glamour's June issue with an exclusive interview with Vice President Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden. Also included in the feature are family photos of Yeardley Love that serve as a reminder that the women we hear about in the news are much more than just headlines. Many brave women came forward to tell their stories—and 62 percent said that having the support of a friend, family member or coworker helped them "get through the relationship safely."

The message here? Tell Somebody. Ther feature includes exactly what to say to a friend or loved one who may be in an abusive relationship.(Note our blogpost about Yeardley Love's death and what to say to someone you care about here.)

"The fact that abusive relationships have actually gotten more deadly for young women in the 21st century is not only confounding—it's maddening," says Cindi Leive, editor-in-chief of Glamour magazine. "Glamour wants to encourage all young women to start talking about this violence. Our message is simple: If you, or a friend, are in a dangerous relationship, Tell Somebody."

Young celebrities like Emma Stone and Ashley Greene, are also joining the campaign, coming together to create an awareness video highlighting shocking statistics and underlining the message of the campaign: If you or a friend is suffering, Tell Somebody. To see the video, along with a moving series of exclusive videos of survivors, go to http://www.glamour.com/tell-somebody/video/2011/05/tell-somebody-help-put-an-end-to-relationship-violence.

There is an easy way everyone can help: In 2010the National Domestic Violence Hotline received 281,787 calls, but due to a lack of resources, 83,027 of those calls went unanswered—that's more than 1,590 calls per week. We can change that. Glamour, the Avon Foundation for Women and the Avon Speak Out Against Domestic Violence program—an initiative that has donated more than $30 million globally to reduce domestic violence since 2004—are working to make sure that no call goes unanswered from now through October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. "Women need to have someone who will listen," says Katie Ray-Jones, director of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "We know that for about 85 percent of our callers, it's their first time ever telling their story."

Glamour is asking people to make a $10 donation by texting TELLNOW to 85944. The Avon Foundation will match every dollar donated, up to $200,000. "It takes so much courage for a woman to pick up the phone and make that call," Vice President Joe Biden told Glamour. The least we can do is make sure someone is there for her.

Join Glamour's campaign to stop relationship violence by changing your Facebook status to—Relationship violence kills 4 women a DAY in the U.S. If you or someone you know is being abused, Tell Somebody. Make sure someone is always listening by texting TELLNOW to 85944. Your $10 donation will help keep the National Domestic Violence Hotline open.

To learn more about Tell Somebody, visit glamour.com/tell-somebody.

*Survey Methodology: This survey was conducted online within the United States between March 3 to 17, 2011 among 2,542 women (aged 18-35). Figures for age, race/ethnicity, education, region and household income were weighted where necessary to bring them into line with their actual proportions in the population. Go to http://www.Glamour.com/tell-somebody for the full methodology.

Domestic Violence and the Holidays - What Do You Say?

So -- it's the holidays and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question:"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:

"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine?

Then say: "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions. And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or assistance anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or check out http://www.thehotline.org. Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

(And survivors....any comments or additional suggestions you have are most welcome! You know best what is helpful!)

Domestic Violence Risk - How Safe Are You?

Yesterday I read a news story about a family found dead in their home.  Details were not being released, but I could tell by the way it was written that it was probably a murder by a domestic partner.

Today I read three other similar stories.  One where the neighbors said "police never came to their house."

Sometimes police are never called. 

But when they are, law enforcement authorities are increasingly turning to lists of questions  or "risk assessments" to assess the danger and risks associated with homicides of both batterers and their victims.

Here is an example of questions law enforcement personnel in Raleigh, NC are using. The 14 questions cover violent tendencies, weapons, threats and what a victim is thinking to help determine whether he or she is at a high risk of being killed by a spouse or significant other:



1. Has the physical violence increased in frequency over the past six months or year?


2. Has the physical violence increased in severity over the past six months or year, or have threats been made with a weapon?


3. Does your partner ever try to choke you?


4. Is there a gun in the house?


5. Does your partner threaten to kill you, or do you believe he or she is capable of killing you?


6. Is your partner drunk or high every day or almost every day?


7. Does your partner control most or all of your daily activities (e.g., telling you whom you can be friends with or how much money you can spend)?


8. Has your partner ever beaten you while you were pregnant?


9. Is your partner violently and consistently jealous of you (e.g., he or she says, "If I can't have you, no one can.")?


10. Have you ever thought about, threatened or attempted to commit suicide?


11. Is your partner violent outside the home?


12. Do you plan to leave? Do you have a safety plan in place (i.e., where you will go, a suitcase with extra clothes, keys, important documents, medications, etc.)?


13. What do you think will happen between you and your partner in the near future?


14. Are you expecting a violent attack?


If a person answers yes to three or more questions, they are at a higher risk for death.

If you are reading this, and you are concerned for yourself, or if you are reading this, and you are concerned for someone you care about, please don't wait.  Please reach out.  Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). 

Please don't be named in an article in the newspaper as someone we lost because of domestic violence.

Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What Do You Say?

So -- it's the holidays and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question:"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this: "You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine?

Then say "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions. And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or assistance anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or check out http://www.thehotline.org. Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

(And survivors....any comments or additional suggestions you have are most welcome! You know best what is helpful!)

It Can Happen To ANYONE

I was reading this article in the Boston Herald http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?articleid=1176527 and I was struck by the opening lines:

"From the way defense attorney Jeffrey Denner questioned her, one would think Sandra Boss - not the man who calls himself Clark Rockefeller - was the one on trial.

Again and again, Denner reminded Boss, 42, that she was a Harvard-educated, senior partner with the global management consulting firm McKinsey and Co. before asking how someone so intelligent and accomplished could be so easily duped and controlled."

I zeroed in on this because this is thought "regular people" (not just defense attorneys) have verbalized to me in a different way: "This doesn't happen to smart, educated, professional people, does it? I mean, they would know better, right?"

The answer is -- domestic violence can (and does) happen to ANYONE. It does not care how smart you are, where you live, how much education you have, what you do for a living, or how much money you make.

In the United States, domestic violence happens to 21% of full time employed adults - see http://www.caepv.org/about/program_detail.php?refID=5 for the 2005 landmark survey work that the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence did on this issue, and http://www.caepv.org/about/program_detail.php?refID=34 for the 2007 follow-up survey by the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, Liz Claiborne Inc. and Safe Horizon regarding employees and CEOs.

It is interesting to me when I talk to people about what I do and about the impacts on the workplace and they say "Wow - that is amazing. I am sure, though that never happens here because we have 'XYZ' type of employees/occupations at this workplace so that would not be an issue."

Well, if statistics are statistics, and good research is good research (and we worked really hard to makes sure ours was). . .it seems pretty likely that there ARE people employed pretty much anywhere dealing with domestic violence, doesn't it?

Like your workplace. Or mine.

The Boston Herald article says "It is not unusual for a wealthy, well-educated woman to keep silent out of a sense of shame and fear of being met with disbelief because of her husband's status in the community."

That is something to consider. For anyone. Because it can happen to ANYONE.

If you need help with a policy or program for your workplace, check out our resources at www.caepv.org.

For help with domestic violence resources across the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

10 Things You Can Do About Domestic Violence

People have been asking me "What can I do about domestic violence? Is there something I can do to help?" Here is a short list of ideas. Certainly you can add your ideas or additions at the end:

1) Sign the MADE petition to get dating violence curriculum in schools. Go to http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made

2) Find out more about domestic violence. Go to www.clicktoempower.org and see the stories of survivors and what made the difference for them.

3) Go to www.avon.com and buy the Women's Empowerment Necklace or Bracelet.

4) Learn about how domestic violence impacts your workplace by visiting www.caepv.org.

5) Remember the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or www.ndvh.org. You can call to help others or yourself.

6) Donate your old cell phone (any brand) at any Verizon Wireless store or use free mailing label www.verizonwireless.com/hopelinemailinglabel

7) Learn to talk to your kids about healthy relationships by downloading tip booklets from www.loveisnotabuse.com.

8) Try to understand what happens in DV and how it impacts people. Check out http://www.domesticviolenceworkplace.blogspot.com. And comment!

9) Don't ask "Why would that victim go back?" ask "Why would a person hit or abuse someone they love?"

10) Be safe, healthy and happy in your own relationships. Because you matter. And you deserve it. And you are very, very precious.

Why Would She Get Back Together With Him?

"Why would she get back together with him?"

I've been asked this question all weekend long with regard to this story in the news http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/people/1454295,chris-brown-rihanna-back-together-diddy-022809.article.

The short answer is - I don't know why those two people may have gotten back together, because I don't know those two people.

But I do know in situations of abuse and domestic violence why people get back together and why this is confusing and hard to understand (and yes, frustrating) for friends, family and co-workers.

First of all, many people I know who are involved in domestic violence say "I love the person. . .I just want the violence to stop." So when a person says they will get help and promises they will not do it anymore, the person who is being abused wants to believe them. And who can blame them? They want things back the way they were before the abuse started. They love the person...not the hitting.

Second, relationships are often very complicated. There are often children and lives involved. Victims are hesitant to tear children away from another parent, family, grandparents. Think about this in your own life. Break-ups are terrible. Does anyone just "walk away" from another partner? It is not easy to do this. Add in the complications of abuse and it is even more difficult.

Why is this more difficult? One of the reasons is that a victim is often told over and over and over and over again that the violence and abuse is his or her fault. If the victim would not behave in a certain way it would not have happened in the first place, so why wouldn't you reconcile since you think you are kind of "guilty" for getting abused anyhow?

It takes a victim of domestic violence an average of 5-7 times to leave a relationship. Each time the person goes they are in the process of leaving. People most commonly stay for their children. . .but then most commonly leave for their children.

So when looking at domestic violence and abuse the focus is really better on safety. . asking your friend or loved one "Are you safe in your relationship?" rather than "Have you left?"

I know this is difficult to understand. But it is not helpful to say things like "Unless you leave that person I am going to break off my friendship with you" or "I am so disappointed in you." Because this doesn't leave the door open for discussion when your friend may need to talk to you. You can certainly express concern, and you can ALWAYS ask if the person is safe in the relationship because you care.

Please feel free to comment on this blog or add thoughts about why a person may get back together.

And thank you, as always for caring about making this issue "Everybody's Business." If you ever have questions, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

What Do You Say If You Wonder . . .?

So -- domestic violence has been in the news this week because of a potential high profile abuser and victim.

While that potential case is "high profile" -- what about the people in our own lives? What if with your friends or family or you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question:"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine? Then say "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions.

And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is NOT easy.

For help or information anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or at 1-866-331-9474.It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

It may seem ironic to talk about this when Valentine's Day is just around the corner. . .but really, it seems like a great time to check in on ourselves and the people we care about. Maybe Valentine's Day is a good reminder to take a look at the health of all our relationships – not just intimate relationships but the ones we have with friends, family, co-workers, and those and those in our communities. It may be an overused saying, but it is important to “be the change we want to see in the world” by modeling healthy relationships wherever and whenever we can.

Domestic Violence and the Holidays

So -- it's the holidays and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship? Here is the big difficult question:"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine? Then say "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions.And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or advice anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or at 1-866-331-9474.It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

It's Time To Talk Day - December 2, 2008

Liz Claiborne Inc. and its partners (the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, loveisrespect.org, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Redbook magazine, and Seventeen magazine) join forces for It's Time to Talk Day on December 2, 2008 as a way to encourage greater public dialogue about domestic violence.

Around the country, talk radio, government officials, domestic violence advocates, businesses, schools and the public-at-large will take a moment - or more - to talk openly about an issue that affects nearly one in three women at some point in their lifetime. In fact, millions of talk radio listeners around the country were reached with the message since the inception of It’s Time To Talk Day in 2004.

Take a moment to talk about domestic violence:

- At work, ask your employer to address this issue and help employees who are in need by putting domestic violence hotline numbers in common spaces (i.e. lunch rooms, bathrooms, bulletin boards).

- Ask at your local school to see if the issue of dating violence is being addressed and urge them to adopt the Love Is Not Abuse curriculum to prevent teen dating violence.

- Contact your local domestic violence organization to find out what they need – beyond money, they might need household goods, toys, cloths and other things you might be able to provide.

Click here for more ideas on how you can get involved.

Domestic Violence and the Holidays

So -- it's the holidays and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship? Here is the big difficult question:

"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this:

"You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine? Then say "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?" Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions.

And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going. People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or advice anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

How Do You Ask "Are you a victim of domestic violence?"

I was taping a local television spot earlier this week to discuss It’s Time to Talk Day activities in our community and talk about domestic violence and healthy relationships in general. The host of the show asked a very good question -- about the awkwardness of asking someone you care about if they are a victim of domestic violence. He was wondering exactly how you get that conversation started, anyway?

I know I have written about that before in this blog, but because he found our discussion so helpful, I thought I should write about it again.

For me, it really helps to say something like this: "You know I really care about you, and I would rather be wrong than ever have anything bad happen to you. I have noticed lately that you are keeping to yourself more than usual, you seem to be afraid of your partner, you seem to have a lot of injuries which don't make a lot of sense when you explain them, _________________ (whatever the things are you have noticed that you are concerned about). So --because I care, I just need to check in with you and ask you -- are you safe in your relationship?"

I think the "keys" for me are the fact that:

1) I WOULD rather be wrong than have something bad happen to someone I care about. I would rather be embarrassed and say the wrong thing than not say anything.

2) I am asking if the person is safe -- I am not making a judgement about the person they are in a relationship with --


So -- what if my friend says "Are you crazy? I am fine!" I end up saying something like this: "I am so glad you are fine. But if things are ever not fine, I want you to know you can come to me. And I hope that if the situation was reversed and you had concerns for me in my relationship, you would ask me if I was safe because I know you care that much about me."

And -- if you friend ends up saying you are right and he or she is NOT safe? Then offer to help them find the resources in the community that can assist. Do not feel you have to take the burden on yourself -- that is not your job. Support and caring as a friend IS your job-- but helping a person deal with the specifics of a domestic violence relationship (especially if they are choosing to leave) is really best done by those in the field with a lot of experience.

It is also REALLY important to understand there is a difference between being safe and leaving a situation. Sometimes it is not safe to leave. Please do not try to make those decisions for your friend.

You can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) for information about services in your area.

If you just read this, thank you. If you ever decide to use what you read, thank you even more.

Kim