Friday, December 18, 2009

Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What Do You Say?

So -- it's the holidays and you will be around family and friends that you may not usually see. And what if you see something that you are concerned about? What if you think someone you care about may not be in a safe relationship?

Here is the big difficult question:"What do you say to someone if you are concerned that they may be in an abusive relationship?"

Here is one pretty good way that I've found to talk with someone -- granted this is my style and everyone has a different style, but it goes something like this: "You know I really care a lot about you. I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately, and that (and you would fill in here the other things you've noticed -- like that the person seems afraid of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, has unexplained injuries, seems isolated, etc.). I would rather be wrong or have you mad at me for asking than ever have anything bad happen to you so I just have to check in with you and ask -- are you safe in your relationship?"

Because really, if you think about it, that is the point, isn't it? You WOULD rather be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable asking, or be wrong rather than have something bad happen to a friend of yours and not say something.

And -- so what if your friend tells you that he or she is fine?

Then say "Hey, that is great. But if you ever decide you aren't ok, I want you to know my door is always open." And you may also want to add, "And if you were ever concerned that I was not safe, I would hope you would ask me the same question, right?"

Because the point is, if we really have one another's backs, we should be able to ask each other these questions. And then if you can, you may want to check in again with your family member or friend again in a few weeks just to see how things are going.

People don't always tell you right away when they are in a relationship that is not safe or good for them. It takes time and it is not easy.

For help or assistance anytime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or check out http://www.thehotline.org. Or for teens, check out the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- on the web at http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or at 1-866-331-9474.

It never hurts to ask -- and it may help change or save the life of someone you care about.

(And survivors....any comments or additional suggestions you have are most welcome! You know best what is helpful!)

10 comments:

Allyson M. Deese said...

Great Blog Kim,

This isn't addressed enough, and the more noise we make about it, then prayerfully the more positive change we will see!

Happy Holidays,
Allyson Deese
www.allysonmdeese.webs.com

Caramel Vixen said...

Awesome blog! It does my heart good to see someone taking a stand against domestic violence!

happy holidays,
Caramel Vixen
www.officeaffairs.webs.com

KWG said...

I agree, Kim. Folks closest to it need to speak the unspeakable, compassionately and without accusation.

Too many victims are in varying levels of self-doubt and psychological turmoil over the fact that THEY are part of the problem and why they're being abused. Then there's the fear of retaliation and in extreme cases the abuser striking out at those who try to help the victim.

But we have to step up on their behalf. No one deserves to be treated this way - woman, man or child.

My birth father used to get sentimental every holiday and say he was going to change and be a better man. Every holiday came and went and the abuse continued.

Abusers can rehabilitate too, but we must first get the victims out of the violence, and that starts with reaching out.

Don't wait until the holidays either. Act wherever and whenever there's opportunity.

Kim Wells said...

Thanks all for your wonderful and encouraging comments! Let's keep remembering as Kevin so wisely says that ANYTIME is the best time to talk to someone about the important question "are you safe in your relationship?" and that we don't want to wait. Ever.

Esmirna Garcia said...

Hi my name is Esmirna Garcia. Im from the University Of Texas El Paso! Im in the course of English 1311. Im 19 years Old.

i think when we percieve that something is wrong in our friend's relationship, the Best thing to do is talk in private with that person that is being abused ,And not only make her tell you the truth but give her options of how you are going to help her !!!!

Esmirna Garcia said...

Hi my name is Esmirna Garcia. Im from the University Of Texas El Paso! Im in the course of English 1311. Im 19 years Old.

i think when we percieve that something is wrong in our friend's relationship, the Best thing to do is talk in private with that person that is being abused ,And not only make her tell you the truth but give her options of how you are going to help her !!!!

Saira said...

I LOVE this! This is such a sensitive topic to broach that I'm glad there is some help on the subject. I love that you say 'I'd rather have you mad at me than have something bad happen to you' that really does pinpoint the reason for 'interfering.'

Kim Wells said...

Saira - Thank you! I've found that really is the heart of the matter, isn't it? And while these are the "words" that work for me...I think this idea is what we all really mean when we care about those we love.

Anonymous said...

In the US, a law exists to protect adult victims of Domestic Violence -- the 1994 Violence Against Women Act -- and one benefit of this law is that nearly every community has one or more Domestic Violence shelters. IN my opinion, victims of DV should be extracted with the aid of the police and should stay in these shelters until the perp has been arrested or some other indicia of safety is present.

If you open your home to a DV victim immediately following extraction, this only assigns you and your family the very same level of risk that the DV has -- and extraction is the point of greatest risk, by far.

To find a DV shelter near you, call 1-(800)-799-7233. For the hearing impaired, the TDD number is 1-800-787-3224.

Kim Wells said...

Anonymous - I want to highlight that nothing in this blog indicates that a person should house a victim of domestic violence - that would in fact put both the victim and the person trying to help that person at greater risk.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a link on this blogpost as a permanent link on this site because of its vital importance for both victims and those interested in finding resources for those they care about.