10 Things You Can Do About Domestic Violence

As we begin October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, people have been asking me "What can I do about domestic violence? Is there something I can do to help?" Here is a short list of ideas. Certainly you can add your ideas or additions at the end:

1)  Join the Love Is Not Abuse Coalition and get involved in a growing, national grassroots movement of parents, teachers and ANYONE who cares about getting dating abuse education into every middle school and high school in the country.  Go to http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/who-we-are  to learn more.

2) Find out more about domestic violence. Go to http://www.clicktoempower.org/ and see the stories of survivors and what made the difference for them.

3) Go to http://whatwedid4love.com and support the National Domestic Violence Hotline by purchasing these pieces by Sueanne Shirzay and other artists.

4) Learn about how domestic violence impacts your workplace by visiting http://www.caepv.org/.

5) Remember the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or http://www.thehotline.org/. You can call to help others or yourself.

6) Donate your old cell phone, batteries, or chargers (any brand) at any Verizon Wireless store or use free mailing label http://aboutus.vzw.com/communityservice/Shipping.html.  Learn more about the HopeLine from Verizon program at http://aboutus.vzw.com/communityservice/hopeLine.html

7) Learn to talk to your kids about healthy relationships by downloading tip booklets from http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/.

8) Try to understand what happens in domestic violence and how it impacts people. Check out http://www.domesticviolenceworkplace.blogspot.com/. And comment!

9) Don't ask "Why would that victim go back?" ask "Why would a person hit or abuse someone they love?"

10) Be safe, healthy and happy in your own relationships. Because you matter. And you deserve it. And you are very, very precious.

New Survey Finds 43% Of Dating College Women Have Experienced Abusive Dating Behaviors

CAEPV Member Liz Claiborne Inc has revealed the findings of their recent study of dating abuse among college students. The results? Dating violence and abuse is more prevalent on college campuses than previously believed.

The survey, “Liz Claiborne Inc.’s Love Is Not Abuse 2011 College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll,” was conducted by Knowledge Networks to address the lack of data on dating violence and abuse among college students. Knowledge Networks interviewed 508 college students including 330 women and 178 men for the study.

According to the findings, a significant number of college women are victims of dating violence.

• 43% of dating college women report experiencing abusive dating behaviors including physical, sexual, tech, verbal or controlling abuse.
• Nearly 1 in 3 (29%) college women say they have been in an abusive dating relationship.
• More than half (57%) of college students who report experiencing dating violence said it occurred in college.

The results also show that college students generally do not know how to help their friends, or themselves, get out of abusive relationships.

• 58% of college students say they don’t know how to help someone who is a victim of dating abuse.
• 38% of college students say they don’t know how to get help for themselves if they were a victim of dating violence.

While many of the controlling behaviors overlap between high school and college students, other behaviors are specific to college students. For example, 11% of respondents were prevented from going to study groups, 8% were told whether to live on or off campus and 7% were told exactly which classes to take.

Our friends at  Love Is Respect and Break the Cycle have joined together to college students - and those who care about them - the tools needed to identify college dating abuse and address it.

On the website of Love Is Respect – the National Dating Abuse Helpline they’ve added a brand new section to arm students with knowledge.  You can locate it at http://www.loveisrespect.org/LC_study_pdfs/SafetyPlan_College_Students.pdf

College students - you can download the Liz Claiborne Inc. study, plan your safety, find info for helping a friend and brainstorm ideas to end violence at your school. We encourage you to download and spread these documents around your campus.

Teachers and parents — are you looking for a way to teach dating abuse info to your college students? The Love Is Not Abuse college curriculum is available online, free at www.loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/curriculum.

Still have questions? You can call Love Is Respect – National Dating Abuse Helpline anytime at 1-866-331-9474.

It's Time to Talk: (un)Healthy Relationships. (un)Recognized.

On Tuesday, October 4, 2011, the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, Radio Bloomington and other community organizations throughout Central Illinois are co-sponsoring "It's Time to Talk Day" to bring awareness to the important issue of domestic violence. This year's theme is: "It's Time to Talk: (un)Healthy Relationships. (un)Recognized."

Events focus on the truth that anyone of any background can find herself or himself in an (un)healthy relationship and it is important that we recognize what an (un)healthy relationship looks like. Statistics show that domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, child abuse, and elder abuse occur in every demographic.

Local CAEPV members and community partners will participate in "It's Time to Talk Day" in the following ways:

·         Local governments, universities, colleges and workplaces will issue proclamations of "It's Time to Talk Day" and encourage citizens to take a moment to talk about domestic violence.

·         A news conference to announce "It's Time to Talk Day" will be held at 12:00 Noon October 4 at Second Presbyterian Church in Downtown Bloomington, Illinois.

·         The 11th Judicial Circuit Family Violence Coordinating Council presents "It's Time to Talk: Compassion Fatigue. (un)Recognized." at Second Presbyterian Church in Downtown Bloomington.

·         The Town of Normal is asking employees and citizens to be a part of the second annual "Purple Tie Initiative" and wear a purple tie (or any item of purple clothing) to support victims and survivors of domestic violence in our community and to raise awareness that domestic violence is "everybody's business."

·         Soroptimist of Bloomington-Normal is hosting a Lunch & Learn training for parents at Lancaster's Fine Dining in Downtown Bloomington.

·         Verizon Wireless Midwest Region and community partners are holding a HopeLine cell phone drive throughout Bloomington-Normal to collect no longer used cell phones, batteries and accessories. The donations will be used to support victims of domestic violence.

Other "It's Time to Talk Day" projects and events include:

·         Distributing educational materials in workplaces

·         Distributing domestic violence awareness brochures to clients

·         Holding seminars for employees

·         Providing information to employees via the Internet and Intranet

·         Writing informational articles for employee newsletters

·         Working with local schools to share the message about safety and wellness

·         Providing Public Service Announcements and radio interviews on Radio Bloomington stations and television interviews on WMBD-TV31 “LIVING WELL” with Meg Marshall

·         AND MORE!

For more information, visit http://www.caepv.org/about/program_detail.php?refID=69 or CAEPV’s Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/CorporateAlliancetoEndPartnerViolence .

For information on Liz Claiborne’s National “It’s Time to Talk Day” taking place December 8, 2011, visit the http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/annualevent .

In Remembrance and in Hope For Peace in Our Homes and Our World:

September 11, 2001 - September 11, 2011

Monsters in the Closet

Our CAEPV partners at The Verizon Foundation have created a short video with support from National Domestic Violence Hotline.  This animated video - “MONSTERS” - sheds light on the effects of domestic violence in the home, through the innocent eyes of a child. 

Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence each year.  And as the video notes, girls who witness abuse are more likely to be abused later in life, and boys are twice as likely to abuse their own partners – “because that’s the world they know.”

The Verizon Foundation believes that to end this devastating cycle of violence, we must motivate silent bystanders to take action.  People need to understand that when they look the other way, they condone this deplorable behavior.  They believe that this provocative video will help accomplish this life-saving goal.

Share the MONSTERS video with your network of friends, family, neighbors and colleagues.  It’s a simple action that may have a huge impact.  MONSTERS will launch publicly on September 7^th.

The video can be previewed at: http://t.co/Dn3pCAq

Remember -- if you or someone you know needs help, get free advice 24x7 at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-779-7233) or http://www.thehotline.org/. You don't have to give your name.

Look Good In All You Do?

I could not believe my eyes.  I could not believe the print ad.

"Look good in all you do."

It is for a salon in Canada.  Sounds ok, right?

However, the woman in the print ad is seated on a couch and clearly a victim of domestic violence.  The ad intimates "Domestic violence is ok...as long as your hair looks good."

Did the salon owner make a mistake?  No.

She says she'd do it again.  You can read about it here: http://www.torontosun.com/2011/08/29/salon-defends-controversial-ads.  You can also see the print ad.  I did not want to post the image on the blog.

Clearly this salon owner does not think she has any clients who are victims of domestic violence -- or any employees.  Because if she did, she would take it much more seriously.

I am guessing she hasn't taken advantage of the training and resources offered through the "Cut It Out" program that teach salon professionals how to recognize the signs of abuse in their clients and how to direct them to resources in the community.

I am mad. I am sad.  I am thinking of the people she sees everyday who wear the scars of domestic violence on the inside and she does not realize that when she helps them "look good in all they do" --  she could also be helping them in so many other ways.

"Dorothy" eloquently explains (much better than I ever could) why "Look Good In All You Do" is a really bad idea: http://www.edmontonsun.com/2011/08/31/domestic-abuse-ad-stirs-dark-memories.

There are a lot of things in life to use to make an ironic statement.  Or to take lightly.

This just isn't one of them.  

UPDATE:  Since I wrote this post this morning, the salon owner has apologized. She's also indicated that if someone comes into the salon with the print ad, she'll make a donation to a local domestic violence shelter.  So perhaps some good - and some good conversation - has come of this.  (You can read the update here: http://edmonton.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110830/edm_salon_110830/20110830/?hub=EdmontonHome)

NO MORE Project - Working Together to End Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault

Over the past year and a half, representatives from several domestic violence and sexual assault organizations have been coming together with a small group of funders and private sector volunteers to work on an exciting new effort called The NO MORE Project. The NO MORE Project is about creating a new, over-arching visual symbol to help raise public awareness about domestic violence and sexual assault. Like the red AIDS ribbon or the peace sign, we hope this symbol will help augment and connect the efforts of domestic violence and sexual assault organizations large and small, supplementing rather than replacing our existing logos and brands. We also hope it will be widely adopted by members of the public, to express their solidarity with us on these issues.

We hope those in the field will be able to join us as on a national Web conference to preview The NO MORE Project:

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011
1pm Eastern Time (10am Pacific, 11am Mountain, 12pm Central)
Click http://tinyurl.com/3owfptd to register

REPEATED - WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011
4pm Eastern Time (1pm Pacific, 2pm Mountain, 3pm Central)
Click http://tinyurl.com/4543s6r to register

Space is limited. If the session you want to attend is full, please join the waiting list: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NOMORE

Project Presenters will include:

• Sue Else, National Network to End Domestic Violence
• Monika Johnson Hostler, National Alliance to End Sexual Assault
• Darlene Johnson, Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice
• Rita Smith, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• Delilah Rumberg, Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape
• Jane Randel, Liz Claiborne

We've been fortunate to have the pro bono input of some of America's leading creative thinkers, including the executive editor of PEOPLE magazine, the former president of Oprah Winfrey's television network, the founder of Women & Co at CitiGroup, the former president of the (RED) campaign, and an ad executive who helped create the "Priceless" campaign for MasterCard. One of the nation's leading branding agencies (Sterling Brands) stepped forward with pro bono creative. Together, we have developed a symbol, created a verbal communication plan, and conducted focus groups and quantitative research. We will be sharing all of the exciting findings at the Web conference!

We have broad representation from across the domestic violence and sexual assault fields. The Steering and Executive Committees for the project include (in alphabetical order): A Call to Men, Allstate Foundation, Avon Foundation, Blue Shield of California Foundation, Casa de Esperanza, California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, Futures Without Violence, Joyful Heart Foundation, Liz Claiborne Foundation, Men Can Stop Rape, National Alliance to End Sexual Assault, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Network to End Domestic Violence, Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape, Safe Horizon, Verizon Foundation, and the Office on Violence Against Women at the U.S. Department of Justice.

Let's work together to end domestic violence and sexual assault.

Registration Now Open: Domestic Violence and the Workplace - Three Case Studies in Practice

EMPLOYERS - YOU ARE INVITED TO:

"Domestic Violence and the Workplace: Three Case Studies in Practice" -- an educational opportunity provided through the CAEPV HopeLine® from Verizon Webinar Series.

WHEN:

Friday, September 23, 2011
2:00 PM- 3:30 PM ET
1:00 PM- 2:30 PM CT
11:00 AM- 12:30 PM PT

WHY:

A recent survey of CEOs found that most believe domestic violence to be a serious issue, yet 71% did not believe it is a problem in their company. The reality is that approximately 21% of full-time working adults report being a victim of domestic violence.

This webinar will examine current practices of employers addressing domestic violence as a workplace issue from three unique perspectives.

HOSTS:

M. Alan Gardner, Vice President, Human Resources, Verizon Wireless
Kim Wells, Executive Director, Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence

PRESENTERS:

• Jane Randel, Senior Vice President, Corporate Communications & Brand Services, Liz Claiborne Inc.
• Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, Vice President, Health and Wellness, Prudential
• Dr. Brigid McCaw, Medical Director, KP NCal Family Violence Prevention Program, Kaiser Permanente

RSVP:

Registration for this webinar closed on September 21, 2011.  A recording of the webinar will be available in the days following the event. 

To access the recorded webinar and webinar materials, visit http://www.caepv.org/about/program_detail.php?refID=71


The CAEPV HopeLine® from Verizon Webinar Series is made possible by a grant from HopeLine® from Verizon.

                                 

Are You Safe At Home?

“Are you safe at home? “

The nurse asked me this question recently on my very first visit to the emergency room in my life. I won’t get into the reasons for the visit, but while I was unhappy to be in the ER, I was really happy to be asked that question.

“Yes,” I said “I am safe at home. And thank you so much for asking.”

The nurse and I discussed this screening tool and the importance of asking. She told me how sometimes people seem surprised when she asks…and sometimes they wait until they are in another room getting an x-ray or another test to break down and talk about how perhaps they are not so safe at home.

Then she says there are people like me who are so happy to be asked.

We talked about whether or not it is hard to ask. She said it wasn’t hard for her, because she asks everyone. She just explains to anyone who questions it that it is a screening question that everyone gets.

She said “You know, you can’t just tell by looking at someone if that person is being abused. So you have to ask.”

I love that nurse.

I love her attitude. And I love that she did not hesitate to ask me – even though she knew what I do for a job (and didn’t decide I “couldn’t’” be a victim) and didn’t hesitate because my husband works for her healthcare system (and he “wouldn’t” do a thing like that).

She asked. She asks everyone.

The Department of Health and Human Services has recently released new guidelines developed by the independent Institute of Medicine, the new guidelines require new health insurance plans to cover women’s preventive services such as domestic violence screening without charging a co-payment, co-insurance or a deductible. You can read more here: http://www.hhs.gov/news/press/2011pres/08/20110801b.html

I hope everyone who starts to screen under the new guidelines does the same great job that my nurse did.

Because there is no screening tool that can replace understanding that domestic violence can – and does – happen to people just like you and me.

I don’t want to return to the emergency room anytime soon, but if I do, I’ll be thrilled to be screened for domestic violence again. No matter what I do for a living or who I am married to.

Because it could happen to me, too.

Make Domestic Violence "Your Business"

Do you wonder how domestic violence comes into the workplace?  It can come into the workplace in a lot of ways...through an employee coming in worried about abuse at home, or being absent, or ill, or physically injured,or less productive, or in the case of an abuser, using work time to threaten or harass a partner.

Or...it can come in like this:  http://www.pjstar.com/news/x386669662/Two-women-stabbed-at-TitleMax-on-University-Street-on-Friday.

This is an incredibly sad and violent example. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families and their co-workers. (UPDATE: The co-worker of Traci Allen -- Mary Sue Roberts, 27 -- passed away on August 20, 2011. We are so sorry to have to note this.)

When I read this story I thought about all the things that could perhaps have been done to keep this employee and this workplace safe. 

There are no guarantees, of course, but the kinds of things we work with CAEPV members to build into their workplace practices are designed to help prevent these kinds of heartbreaking events.

Things like creating plans for abuser showing up at the workplace. Or the workplace on the order of protection, working with local law enforcement, moving the employee in danger to another workplace location, changing work hours, getting the abused employee to resources to assist her/him....the list goes on and on.

It is timely that open registration begins August 24 for our September 23 webinar "Domestic Violence and the Workplace: Three Case Studies in Practice."

That means any employer can register for our free webinar as of August 24 - courtesy of a grant from HopeLine from Verizon. If you are an employer who is interested, please send an email to caepv@caepv.org.

We hope employers will take advantage.  So that perhaps there will be fewer and fewer incidents like what happened at the Title Max on Friday in Peoria, Illinois.

We want a day when all employers have the tools to make domestic violence "their business." 

Please join us.

Why Won't My Employee ......Press Charges?

"Why won't my employee...just leave?"

"Why won't my employee...press charges?"


These are a couple questions I hear sometimes when I talk to employers about domestic violence and its impact on the workplace. 

And while I cannot answer those questions for a person who is in the middle of domestic violence (because I am not that person) - I do try to help employers understand that when it comes to leaving, it can be dangerous, because that is when most homicides related to domestic violence occur - when a person is in the midst of leaving or has left the relationship. 

That is why at CAEPV and with our member companies, we focus on SAFETY of the employee who is a victim of domestic violence and SAFETY of the workplace and other employees. 

And what about pressing charges?  While I cannot speak for any particular individual, I think some new research from the Ohio State University might provide some interesting insight. 

“The existing belief is that victims recant because the perpetrator threatens her with more violence. But our results suggest something very different,” said Amy Bonomi, lead author of the study and associate professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University.

“Perpetrators are not threatening the victim, but are using more sophisticated emotional appeals designed to minimize their actions and gain the sympathy of the victim. That should change how we work with victims.”

The study appears online in the journal Social Science & Medicine and will appear in a future print edition. To read more about the study, click here.

What do you think of this study?  Are you surprised about the tactics used? 

It is my hope that perhaps for many who've asked the question "Why doesn't that person press charges?" they have a better understanding of why.  And for those of us trying to help, we better understand how we best can.

For information for addressing domestic violence and its impact on the workplace, please visit our website at www.caepv.org.

Liz Claiborne Releases "Love Is Not Abuse" App for iPhone

CAEPV Member Liz Claiborne’s Love is Not Abuse program has come out with a new “Love Is Not Abuse” iPhone application.  It allows parents to experience firsthand digitally abusive behaviors in teen relationships. 

The new iPhone app is designed to teach parents - in a very real way - about the dangers of teen dating abuse and provides a dramatic demonstration of how technology can be used to commit abuse. Over the course of the experience, text messages, emails and phone calls are received real-time, mimicking the controlling, abusive behaviors teens might face in their relationships.

The impact is immediate and important: empowering parents to talk to their kids.

The app also includes valuable information for parents: facts on dating abuse, warning signs, tips on how to talk to teens, and immediate, concrete steps to take if they suspect their child is involved in an abusive relationship.

It also includes a PSA from Tim Gunn and Judge Jeanine Pirro.

You can view the “Love Is Not Abuse” iPhone App trailer at: www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-MueVK0L8k.

Download the app -- free of charge -- at the iTunes App Store (search word “LINA”).

(We checked it out here at CAEPV and it is very powerful. The simulator is a very realistic representation of digital abuse behavior.)

CAEPV Presents HopeLine® from Verizon Webinar Series

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), intimate partner violence victims lose a total of nearly 8 million days of paid work a year, the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs, and the cost of domestic violence to the U.S. economy is more than $8.3 billion. A national telephone survey by CAEPV found that 21 percent of full-time employed adults were victims of domestic violence and 64 percent of them indicated their work performance was significantly impacted.

Domestic violence does not stop at the door when employees go to work. The CAEPV HopeLine® from Verizon Webinar Series is designed to help increase employer awareness of domestic violence as a workplace issue and offer strategies for employers to recognize and respond to it.

Mark your calendar for our first  CAEPV HopeLine® from Verizon Webinar: “Domestic Violence and the Workplace - Three Case Studies in Practice” taking place September 23, 2011. This webinar will examine current practices of employers addressing domestic violence as a workplace issue from three unique perspectives. Presenters include representatives from Liz Claiborne Inc., Kaiser Permanente, and Prudential. 

The webinar is FREE – but CAEPV members will receive priority registration.  Look for details coming soon!

What is the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence?

The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence is a leading force in the fight against intimate partner violence and its effects on the workplace. It is the only national organization of its kind founded by business leaders and focused on the workplace. Since 1995, the Alliance has brought together dozens of progressive companies who exchange information, collaborate on projects, and use their influence to instigate change.

The Alliance offers extensive research, policy knowledge and issue expertise to the business community, including training, program guidance, and crisis consultation – with programs designed to make the workplace safe and to prevent intimate partner violence from impacting the workplace. CAEPV has member and associate organizations reaching employees across the US and around the world. For more information, visit caepv.org/about.  

What is HopeLine®?

HopeLine® from Verizon puts the nation’s most reliable network to work in the community by turning no-longer used cell phones into support for domestic violence victims and survivors. Learn more.

For more information, contact caepv@caepv.org.

Employing Survivors of Domestic Violence - Ending the Cycle

In this blog I usually focus on how domestic violence impacts the workplace and how employers can respond to keep employees and the workplace safe.

But what if work itself is a protective factor for survivors of domestic violence and their children? 

Recent research indicates it may well be.

Work is among the protective factors that foster resilience and increase the likelihood that the cycle of violence will end for women who, as children, were exposed to their mothers’ battering.

Dr. Kim Anderson, associate professor in the MU School of Social Work, found that women are less likely to suffer from PTSD if they are more resilient, or better able to overcome adversity.

Anderson found that resiliency was enhanced if mothers were employed full-time — that is, gainful employment has a positive influence on their children’s recovery from witnessing domestic violence.

“Mothers who work full-time, even in adverse situations, create economic stability and model a strong work ethic, independence and competence,” Anderson said.

“This shows the importance of the bond between mothers and children and the importance of positive adult role models in the lives of children who have experienced abuse.”

Researchers discovered the chance of PTSD in adulthood is increased if a child had witnessed the abuse of their mother; among children whose mothers experienced mental problems; and in children who witnessed police involvement in violent incidents. In particular, children of mothers who had mental health problems were more likely to develop PTSD later in life, as were children who witnessed the arrest of family members during violent incidents.

“The mental health status of mothers affects how they recover from abuse and their parenting style,” Anderson said. “Children whose mothers do not experience mental health problems are less likely to have mental health problems of their own.”

Anderson says recent financial cuts in domestic violence services and advocacy programs have made it difficult to provide abused women with the resources they need to recover from violent incidents. She recommends advanced job training and opportunities for higher education to help abused women attain sustainable employment.

“Most of the time, the immediate goal is to find women work rather than help them acquire skills that fit their interests,” Anderson said. “Those jobs are often low-paying and don’t provide the economic sustainability that going back to school and getting a higher education would.” (Source: University of Missouri)
So employing survivors of domestic violence does more than provide them a way up and out -- it may very well end the cycle of violence in the lives of their children.

Thank you to the employers who are members of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV) and the many other employers committed to making domestic violence "their business" and by doing so keep their workplaces safe, keep their employees safe and productive....and perhaps help end the cycle for the next generation.

You certain can "do well by doing good."

(For resources to address domestic violence as a workplace issue, visit our website at www.caepv.org)

When Does Abuse Start?

I recently had someone ask me if abuse starts the first time a person gets hit.

I appreciated the person asking me that question, and I also thought it might be good to highlight some of the warning signs of abusive relationships. It is also important to point out that relationships can be abusive and a person can never get hit at all. 

So what IS domestic violence?  Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in a relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

This quiz "Am I Being Abused?" is from the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline - which is full of great information and resources.

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

 

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.  You can also visit their website at www.thehotline.org.

And remember - no question is silly or "not worth asking" when it comes to healthy and unhealthy relationships....if you wonder, please ask someone you trust. 

It's Only Puppy Love...Or Is It?

“You’ll get over it…after all, it’s only puppy love.”

I can remember an adult saying that to me when my high school-to-college boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine’s Day my freshman year of college.

It sure didn’t  feel like puppy love to me.  But we both got over it.

Some young people don’t get over break ups…they don’t think they can live without their boyfriend or girlfriend. 

Apparently this is what happened to a young lady with a full life ahead of her named Lauren Astley.  Allegedly her ex-boyfriend, Nathaniel Fujita, thought he could not live without her and killed her. You can read more about the murder here.

My heart breaks for the family of Lauren Atley.

Did you know the most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they are leaving or having left a relationship?  In cases where a person is murdered in such a relationship, 75% of the time it is when they are leaving or have left their abusive partner.

So – before you tell your daughter or son “it is only puppy love” please consider this:

In a Liz Claiborne Survey released in March 2006, half (50%) of the 1,004 teens surveyed reported they’ve been in a dating relationship and nearly a third (32%) said they’ve been in a serious relationship. This same survey found that:

·    One in four teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; and 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.

·    In the same survey, 20% of teenagers who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.

·    A significant number of teens (14%) said they have been threatened with physical harm—either to them or self-inflicted by their partner—to avoid a breakup.

·    One out of 10 of these teens have been threatened with the spread of rumors by their partner as a means of control.

·    A shocking 7% said someone in a relationship has either threatened to kill them or commit suicide in an attempt to stay together.

How do you know if you should worry?

A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others.

Over time, the isolation from a person’s social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time "just the two of us," and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, "You must not love me." Creating this isolation and dissolution of one's social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors.

In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant. Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. "They must love me because they just want to spend time with me."

While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:

·         no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends

·         wearing the same clothing

·         distracted when spoken to

·         constantly checking cell phone,

         gets extremely upset when asked to turn phone off

·         withdrawn, quieter than usual

·         angry, irritable when asked how they are doing

·         making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend

·         showering immediately after getting home

·         unexplained scratches or bruises

Advice?

Maybe the best advice for parents is to start talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on with your child.

Sharing the warning signs of teen dating abuse with your child and saying, "If you know someone who's experiencing something like this, let's talk about it, let's talk about how you can be a good friend and help them stay safe."

For great booklets on talking to your teens about dating relationships visit Liz Claiborne’s Love Is Not Abuse website at www.loveisnotabuse.com.

So, next time you are tempted to say "Oh, it is just puppy love, you'll get over it," maybe you'll say "Hey, let's talk about it." And that may lead to a really good talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships.